what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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