i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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