So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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