I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
