I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
