Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
