Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Semen is not good for contacts.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
