Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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