If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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