I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
