Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
