she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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