We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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