My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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