he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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