i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
i love accidental penises.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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