You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
