After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
