So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
