I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
