remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
