Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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