all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
