just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
