maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
