just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
