I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
