I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
