My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Randomize
