you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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