third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
