she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Randomize
