The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
