I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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