she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
