Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
