and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
