Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
