i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
