Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
