Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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