I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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