hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Randomize
