Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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