Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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