just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
