His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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