note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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