she woke up with a sticky ear
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
