Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
