Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
