You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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