omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
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