don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
