When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
