A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
