As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
