Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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