I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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