Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
