I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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