i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize