so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I faked an abortion last night.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
