I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
