dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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