I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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